Tehila
by daughterleilani1
Summary: Dealing with Captain Janeway's death proves too hard for the waking world... Written 2009.
"Akoochemoya, I am far from all I hold dear, far from friends, far from home. Tonight I grieve for the one I've lost. On this night of suffering, I hope that my animal guide will find me, and lead me back into the light."

His eyes drifted shut and Chakotay's face began to warm. Sunlight caressed his cheek, feather light. His eyes deceived him, for they showed him a seascape instead of the wood where his guide lived. His legs were tucked beneath him and the ocean waves gently crashed upon the rocky shore. He glanced to his side and quickly found Wolf.

"Sister, where am I?" he asked.

" _Her place_ ," she answered.

"I miss her."

" _You think I do not know this, Brother? Your soul is torn."_

"Yes, Sister."

 _"_ _She was your Tehila was she not?"_

"Yes, Sister. She was my true love, my Tehila. But she is gone now."

Wolf snuggled next to his warm body, and he gently stroked her fur. _"_ _She will never be gone, Misu. She is a part of you."_

"I understand that, Sister. But she is no longer walking with me. I must walk alone."

Wolf was saddened by his obvious depression. _"_ _Misu, your Tehila may be gone in the walking world, but you can always rest in her arms. A weary soul will forever find soothe in her presence."_

Chakotay's world fogged and cleared, returning him to his bedroom upon the starship Voyager, now empty at the loss of her captain. Voyager had felt empty for the last four months since Captain Janeway's death. Its commanding officer put up a strong front to lead his crew, but inside he was still hurting. He gathered his bundle, put it away, and pulled on his uniform jacket for his duty shift. Throughout his entire shift, his thoughts lingered on Wolf's words. What did she mean by finding soothe in her presence?

The day was uneventful, and Chakotay returned to his quarters still pondering the same questions. He showered and ate, still attempting to decipher their meaning. Finally as he crawled into bed that night, his mind began to still. He dreamed of darkness, a black inky sea with no light. Wolf's voice came from every direction telling him to rest his weary soul. He ran in circles trying to find her to no avail. There was nothing but ink.

Chakotay sat up with a start. "Strange dream…" He lay in bed quietly for several minutes before deciding to attempt another vision quest. He retrieved his bundle and sat in the middle of his bed. After chanting the familiar words, his room began to fade.

He opened his eyes to see the dimly lit walls of Voyager's bulkheads. "I don't understand…" he whispered.

 _"_ _I've been wondering when you'd get here_ ," she whispered. His head whirled to face behind him. She sat on a pile of pillows wearing a blue silk nightgown. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and long, like she used to wear it. Every part of her seemed to glow.

"Kathryn?"

 _"_ _You seem surprised?"_

"I am. How are you here?" he asked, while moving to join her on the pillows.

 _"_ _I've only been on one vision quest so you tell me. All I know is that I've been waiting here for you in my pajamas for a long time."_ Her arms circled around him from behind as she pulled him to her.

"I miss you," he said.

 _"_ _I know. But now I'm here so you don't need to miss me anymore."_

She pulled him down onto the pillows and curled into his side as old lovers would. He wrapped his arm around her and sighed deeply when she placed her head on his chest.

"Why couldn't you do this when you were alive?"

 _"_ _Isn't that obvious?"_

"You always said rules and regulations. But is that the truth?" he asked.

 _"_ _No. I was afraid. I was afraid of this."_

"Why?" he asked as he gently rubbed circles on her side.

" _I've never had a strong relationship before. There were others of course, but if they left me, I could bear it. I survived Justin's death. And I survived losing Mark. But losing you would be the end. I would cease to exist."_ She snorted slightly. " _Well, a lot of good waiting did me. I already cease to exist. I was so stupid. I'm so sorry I messed it all up."_

He pulled her closer. "Never, Kathryn, Never. You didn't mess anything up. We would do things differently if we could do it again, but I wouldn't trade what I did have with you for anything. And now we have this."

Sudden realization dawned on him. This is what Wolf had meant. "I understand now."

Her head cocked in confusion. " _What do you understand?"_

"In my dreams, I can see you. My guide told me that I can rest in your arms. I can see you in my dreams, can't I?"

She smiled. " _Yes. Every night. From now until forever. I will be with you every night, as I should have in life."_

Wolf crawled up next to him and nudged him with her nose.

"That's how I do it, isn't it Sister?" Wolf nodded slightly. "I just chant as I fall asleep, and I can come back to her every night."

Wolf nodded once again. Under her watchful eye, Chakotay curled into Kathryn's side. She snuggled onto the pillows next to them and lay down. As a feeling of peace descended on her and she knew everything was once again right. Her Misu was finally with his Tehila once again.


End file.
